Clear. Smooth. Those words are often used to describe beer in TV commercials, but they also state the goal of business writing. Sentences can be awkward or lack clarity because they are improperly constructed or too long.
Misconstruction
Look at the following sentences:
Constructed in 2002, the most recent inspection on the company headquarters showed structural deficiencies.
Checking for viruses on my computer, the computer tech’s pager went off.
We understand what’s happening in each sentence. But they’re both awkward.
Here’s why: Whenever a verbal ending with ed or ing begins a sentence, the opening phrase is followed by a comma, which should then be followed by the subject — the person or thing doing the action indicated by the ed or ing word.
Usually, this is simple to arrange: “Walking into the meeting, Rob dropped his portfolio.” Rob is doing the walking, so he is the first subject after the comma.
But in the two sample sentences, the things doing the action are not the first subject after the comma. The company headquarters was constructed in 2002, and the computer tech is checking the computer for viruses, but neither subject is in the right place. The reference to the company headquarters appears too far into the sentence, making it sound as if the building inspection was constructed in 2002.
In the second sentence, the pager is the first subject after the comma because the computer tech appears as a possessive. The computer tech, who is supposedly doing the checking, is not even in the sentence; only his pager is. The computer tech has left the sentence and is off having lunch, leaving the verb checking with no one to complete it.
Three ways to correct the problem:
1) Put the correct word after the comma
2) Restructure the sentence entirely
3) Put the subject doing the action next to the action word in the opening of the sentence.
Here are some examples:
Constructed in 2002, the company headquarters was found to have structural deficiencies during its recent inspection. (correct subject placed after the comma)
or
The recent building inspection revealed structural deficiencies in the company headquarters, which was constructed in 2002. (complete sentence reconstruction)
While he was checking my computer for viruses, the computer tech’s pager went off. (person doing the action placed next to the action)
Keep it together
Similar problems occur when modifiers — words that describe or clarify another word — are in the wrong place. Take this example:
The board chairman read aloud a letter detailing various episodes of inappropriate behavior by managers in the staff meeting.
It’s unclear whether the letter is being read at a staff meeting or whether it involves inappropriate behavior at a staff meeting. If the chairman is reading the letter at the staff meeting, the phrase in the staff meeting needs to be as close as possible to the word read:
In the staff meeting, the board chairman read aloud a letter detailing various episodes of inappropriate behavior by managers.
Keep it parallel
Sentences that aren’t parallel are awkward. Take this sentence:
The new task force will help the board with diversity, creating new hiring procedures, and improved employee retention.
The task force is making three contributions to the board, but each is expressed in a different way, one with a single word (diversity), one with a phrase beginning with an ing verbal (creating), and one with a phrase starting with an ed verbal (improved). All three should be expressed in the same way:
The new task force will help the board with increasing diversity, creating new hiring procedures, and improving employee retention.
or
The new task force will help the board increase diversity, create new hiring procedures, and improve employee retention.
or
The new task force will help the board improve diversity, hiring procedures, and employee retention.
Long sentences
Long sentences can be grammatically correct, and they might not be wordy. A few long, clear sentences add variety to a document, but unnecessarily long sentences tax the reader’s brain. Take this example:
To tackle the new project, the Public Relations Department will be broken into three teams, each of which oversee media coverage in one of the company’s geographic regions and also report back to the other departments via weekly e-mail reports and oral reports at the monthly staff meeting to clarify what assistance is needed from other managers and to modify the project budget, if necessary.
That sentence doesn’t contain unnecessary words. There’s nothing wrong with the grammar. And if it is the only long sentence in a section of a report, it won’t tax the reader’s brain. But if most sentences are this long, the reader’s eyes will glaze over. The simplest solution is to make two separate sentences:
To tackle the new project, the Public Relations Department will be broken into three teams, each of which will oversee media coverage in one of the company’s geographic regions. The teams will report back to the other departments via weekly e-mail reports and oral reports at the monthly staff meeting to clarify what assistance is needed from other managers and to modify the project budget, if necessary.
If you want to keep the list of the PR department’s new responsibilities in one sentence, you can use a semicolon, which will give the reader a brief pause while also keeping the information together:
To tackle the new project, the Public Relations Department will be broken into three teams, each of which will oversee media coverage in one of the company’s geographic regions; the teams will report back to the other departments via weekly e-mail reports and oral reports at the monthly staff meeting to clarify what assistance is needed from other managers and to modify the project budget, if necessary.
Next time: The right words
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