Writers sometimes structure sentences with built-in wordiness. For example, sentences starting with “there is” or “there are” might be grammatically correct, but most can be rewritten to be stronger. Of course, a few sentences have to start with “there are.” (Notice I didn’t say, “There are a few sentences that have to start with ‘there are.’”) But most don’t. Some examples:
There are only a few employees who have the proper training for this new procedure.
Only a few employees have the proper training for this new procedure.
There are an estimated 125 products nationwide with ingredients similar to ours.
About 125 products nationwide have ingredients similar to ours.
The annual report reveals that there are serious cash flow problems.
The annual report reveals serious cash flow problems.
A similar construction involves “it is” or “it was.” Sometimes, it is acceptable to write a sentence like this one. But stronger alternatives are available. Look at this sentence: “In a report released by the Accounting Department, it was noted that travel expenses increased by 10 percent last year.” Fixing a weak sentence can be like fixing up an old house: sometimes you’re better off tearing it down and starting over. Here are several ways to build a better sentence using the same foundation:
A report released by the Accounting Department noted that travel expenses increased by 10 percent last year.
or
According to an Accounting Department report, travel expenses increased by 10 percent last year.
or
The Accounting Department reported that travel expenses increased by 10 percent last year.
Sometimes business writers prefer wordy constructions or passive sentences because stronger sentences are frighteningly clear about who made a decision. But writers should take ownership of their decisions. Look at the difference in these two sentences:
It is the recommendation of this committee that the company should liquidate all its assets.
We recommend (or “this committee recommends”) that the company liquidate all its assets.
Cut that phrase
Some phrases can be cut or at least shortened. For example, a slight change in sentence construction can reduce wordiness in phrases using of:
The goal of the company is to reduce employee absenteeism.
The company’s goal is to reduce employee absenteeism.
Our department will be a key partner in the establishment of new company policy.
Our department will be a key partner in establishing new company policy.
This work group will focus on implementation of the new dress code.
This work group will focus on implementing the new dress code.
Clauses with that, which, and who can often be reduced without affecting the meaning of the sentence:
Primary issues that are being addressed by this committee include workplace productivity and interoffice communication.
Primary issues being addressed by this committee include workplace productivity and interoffice communication.
The drug testing, which is administered by Employee Testing Inc., is confidential.
The drug testing administered by Employee Testing Inc. is confidential.
The company’s original owner, who was our CEO’s father, patented the device.
The company’s original owner, our CEO’s father, patented the device.
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