I can fail at Advent calendars. I can fail at gingerbread houses. I can also fail as Santa’s apprentice. In the past 24-hours, I’ve managed the latter quite easily.
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Preamble 1: My school hosts a Santa party for the children of staff members. The only requirement – besides showing up – is to bring in a wrapped gift for your children by 10:30 a.m. Friday, the day before the party.
Preamble 2: Besides doing crafts, my third circle of hell involves shopping, wrapping presents, and The Titanic on repeat play. This third item has nothing to do with the story.
Exhibit A by Professional
Exhibit B by Me**Here is the chain of events that has led me to screw up Christmas.
Again.
How To Be a Santa Failure in 9 Easy Steps
Write the wrong date of the Staff Santa Party in your calendar. On Thursday, realize you have 14 hours until the presents are due.Twenty minutes before closing time, go to a bookstore to buy toys (do bookstores still sell books?). Purchase two educational games that not only are noise polluters, but also require batteries. Forget to purchase batteries.Go to the 20-year-old employee at the free gift-wrapping station. Watch her take 40 minutes to wrap two presents (See Exhibit A). Try not to imagine Miss Piggy wrapping the presents faster with one hoof tied behind her bacon.Text husband that you’re not dead, even though you’ve been gone long enough to have a few blood transfusions.Drive home. Leave presents in the back of car so you won’t forget to take them to work the next morning. Go to bed.Be pounced on by two excited children who have the day off school. Cuddle Thing 1 while Thing 2 waits for you in car since you’re dropping her off at a playdate on your way to work. When you get into the car, field this question from Thing 2:“Who are these presents for?”Mutter obscenities and lie. Involve the church in your lie. Because clearly what makes lying better is lying about God. “They’re presents for children whose parents don’t have much money. We’re taking them to church on Sunday.”Watch Thing 2 nod and buy your lie. Run back into the house, smuggle a roll of 1970s wrapping paper under your winter coat and into the hatchback because you know your daughter will recognize her present “from Santa” tomorrow unless you re-wrap it. Move the presents into the hatch, and drop Thing 2 off at her friend’s house.Arrive at work, carry in presents and wrapping paper, unwrap the gifts, and re-wrap them yourself…in less than 40 minutes. Who cares if it looks like Miss Piggy wrapped them with one hoof tied behind her bacon …How have you messed up Christmas or presents?
Alternatively, who’s your favorite Muppet?
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I just got word that this was Freshly Pressed. Thanks for taking the time to visit!
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