Tears, Fears, and Holiday Cheers

Penguins are all-holiday appropriate.

25 Days of Christmas! Hanukkah bushes! Nissan Altima commercials galore! Their presence can only mean one thing…Chrismahanuwhatthehelliskwanza is upon us!

With a mere 3 weeks before Hanukkah kick starts the marathon of gift giving, eating, and looking like Saint Nick after hot boxing in his sleigh as you try to digest the mammal you just devoured, it is time to prepare your mind, body, and bank account for the upcoming festivities. Christmas carols being sung, dreidels being spun, and re-teaching yourself how to casually sip wine with your grandparents rather than binging playing Slap the Bag with your biddies are undoubtedly a part of everyone’s December jubilee. But, nothing says holiday season more than some severe emotional scarring with your extended family.

We're coming over. All of us.

We’ve all been there! Whether it’s your second cousin staring down your dress and exclaiming “look at the bosoms on this one!” in a room full of people, or your grandfather confiding in you about his decrease in sexual activity due to Granny’s recent knee replacement, some of the things that happen will make you reconsider why in the world you were looking forward to winter break. Considering both the former and the latter have happened to me, I have come to expect these kinds of shenanigans. Though I make numerous trips to the bathroom mirror to make sure my ears aren’t bleeding, these comments are relatively harmless. Plus, I tend to forgive my elderly kin when they offer me a cookie, candy, and/or a kiss that is not planted directly on my lips. At every family gathering, however, there always seems to be a black cloud, a Debbie-downer of sorts, or blatantly, someone who everyone wishes would take a hike to the Himalayas and never return.

Self-explanatory.

Holiday season is a time of cheer and merriment, but it’s hard to enjoy some Yorkshire pudding when Aunt Sourpuss is glaring at you with intensity strong enough to burn holes through your forehead. It’s not your fault her self-diagnosed, totally false “gluten intolerance” prevents her from eating anything but string beans and water, you will enjoy your 1500 calorie snack thank you very much! Furthermore, holiday time is a season of kindred gatherings, not a cutthroat competition between family members. Yes, her child does have a nice voice for a 6 year old, but when she commands her to belt out 3 ballads mid-dinner and claim she totally beats your 4th grade rendition of “Over the Rainbow,” everyone, even her poor show-monkey children will want her to leave. Seriously, when your own kids look at you like they’re imprisoned stuffed animals at your tea party from Hell, it’s time to reevaluate yourself as a person, parent, and in the overall scheme of life.

Nothing lures out old insecurities like spending time with your family. Despite the tears, tension, and inevitable fights, the holiday season proves every winter to be a period of renewed bonding, a time to be happy, to laugh, and to be thankful… that it only comes once a year.

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