It’s that time of year again: the department holiday party and that rather quaint—oh, what the heck—vile!—custom, the white elephant gift exchange.
Frankly, I’d look fondly upon receiving a white elephant. Why, I’d even take home a white skunk or a white weasel. Any of those are a far better choice than gold spray-painted cow manure. Yeah, that particular gift-giver thought her gag gift was hilarious. Quite the knee slapper, unless you’re the one lifting the dung out of the box because you have no idea what this heavy, shiny mass might be and you want a closer look.
The participants of this seasonal buffoonery have 10 to 20 dollars to spend. Why not use it for something that won’t get thrown away, or at least make it something that can be shoved in the recycling bin as soon as you get home? But no, instead, people rush off to Spencers or some other store that specializes in fall-apart, cheezy, and often downright pornographic products, to waste their gift money on. Ninety percent of adults would never want anyone to see them with these astonishingly vulgar and crass items. The female stockinged leg lamp with the floozy shade was funny only in “A Christmas Story.” Repeated in cheap miniature plastic is uncouth and unimaginative.
Once was funny.
Has never been funny.
Not even remotely funny. And it's gross.
Was funny in "The Christmas Story." Not so much now.
Really? Why?I sweat over the gifts I select for my family and friends. I agonize whether my present will be treasured for years to come, as a true memento of my affection for the recipient, or if it will someday end up in a box for Goodwill—or worse yet, be re-gifted to me. To be forced to shop for something that reeks of ill-breeding is torture. Those hideous lawn sculptures and awful crocheted paintings you find in thrift shops aren’t intended to be bought! They’re part of Americana and they should remain in the stores as an historical record of how tacky we all can be when we put our minds to it. As far as the Spencer’s Gift products, let children buy them. They have no perspective on what constitutes crap or otherwise. They’re just grateful to have some bucks shoved into their grubby, reaching little hands and told to go away and let mommy shop the sales at Kohl’s by herself.
And how do you decide between tacky and trashy? Is it a matter of degree or a matter of which item embarrasses you more when you tote it up to the cash register? To choose the perfect gift that sends just the right amount of grotesque hideosity (I made that word up just for this post) requires that you seek to embarrass the heck out of the recipient. You need to be one of those people who find joy in putting people ill at ease, at uncovering and announcing their weakest character flaws, at laughing at people who slip and fall on the sidewalk! Oh, yes, you heartless gag gift-giver, you.
Frankly, it goes against my nature to take hard-earned money and spend it on an item that should have seen the trash bin years ago or that should never have gotten off the drawing table of some puerile inventor.
I won’t do it. I won’t contribute to this wasteful, humiliating practice, knowing full well that I’ll probably be returning home after my office party with one of those machines that make fart noises. But just in case any of you want to join my cause against this gag gift lunacy, here are some other, more sensible ways to use that cash:
1. A gift card to any local store is always appreciated. The recipient might even be so grateful at not receiving a gag gift, she’ll invite you to spend the card with her. Tell her she’s done her part to stimulate the economy.
2. Lottery tickets. Yes, I know your chances of winning are 1 to 1 googol, but the recipient’s much anticipated joy will last a lot longer than the three seconds it took to open that package of breath mints that taste like old, rotting anchovies and turn your teeth black.
3. Give it to a local charity. Wrap the donation receipt in a pretty box with a gorgeous bow and then, before the recipient’s smile has a chance of turning down, break into loud, wet weeping and praise him or her for their compassionate generosity.
4. Double and triple A batteries. It’s a given that the recipient’s relatives or friends will present him on Christmas Day with some annoying piece of battery operated crap, which, of course will come without the batteries it needs to make those hideous noises or do those useless things.
5. Put that nice crisp 10 dollar bill into an envelope and offer that as your gift. Cash is always appreciated. Who knows? The recipient might need it to pay off her loan shark. You just might be saving someone from a kneecapping in a dark alley downtown.
6. Unless you work with Mormons or prohibitionists, booze is always, always appreciated. These days, ten dollars can get you a decently quaffable bottle of wine. Partiers: Drink responsibly.
7. Ten dollars worth of dark chocolate. I suggest this one just in case any of my coworkers are reading this.
8. Keep the ten dollars for yourself. Then, place a note in a gift box that states the money is payment for your taking over the recipient’s office refrigerator cleaning duty that year. No one likes the refrigerator cleaning duty. This gift is as good as offering to scoop dog poop out of someone’s back yard. Hey! There’s another idea!
So, join with me now in helping eradicate the world of this humiliating and wasteful practice. Be part of the solution. Shop wisely! Save the planet!
Artist, illustrator, writer and owner of two Boston Terriers. Living in Boise, Idaho at the base of the beautiful foothills. My art website is www.snoringdogstudio.com.
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