Forget the New Year’s resolutions. I’m still working on those. I figure I’ll start off the year right by not doing things, instead of setting goals. Goals are for people with a lot of time on their hands.
1. I Will Never Again Wash Wool In My Washing Machine
People complain about the smell of a wet dog. Experience the odor of wet wool—throughout your home. I put some wool through a washing cycle the other day in an attempt to make felt. (I’ve got to get therapy for this new hobby.) Unfortunately, I threw some of my clothes in with the wool. Instead of re-washing the clothes, I hung them on a drying rack in my breakfast room. My dog, Sally, tried to herd the drying rack. Stella, my other dog attacked it. She’s still in there, growling over a pair of my pajamas she wrestled to the floor.
2. I Will Never Again Confront Drunken Youth In My Backyard
If someone is drunk and stupid enough to mistake my backdoor for his, he’s drunk and stupid enough to haul off and bean me. If I can take the time to grab the golf club sitting next to my bed, I can take the time to dial 911.
3. I Will Never Start A Home Project Before Thoroughly Analyzing The Project, Measuring At Least 5 Times, And Seeking Professional Advice.
I purchased some blinds yesterday for my very large living room window. It looks like I’ll have to remove the entire window and replace the casing so that I can hang these blinds. I can’t return the blinds, because I had them cut to size. I’m wondering if I can hot glue the blinds to the window frame.
4. I Will Never Get On a Horse Again
Just because I knew how to ride a horse 40 years ago, doesn’t mean I can get on one now and gallop away into the sunset. The person who said, “If you fall off a horse, you have to get right back on,” obviously doesn’t have hundreds of dollars worth of veneers.
5. I Will Not Take Up Hot Yoga.
I don’t even know what it is, but I’m not combining heat with uncomfortable body positions unless it involves getting myself into a lounge chair on a hot summer day while holding a cold beer.
6. I Won’t Read a Single News Item About Kim Kardashian
She is dead to me. She occupied far too much of our national awareness in 2011, all of the attention utterly undeserved. A woman whose only claim to fame is rampant celebrity seeking behavior shouldn’t be allowed one pixel of recognition. Hilary Clinton got far less air time and she’s actually doing things other than exposing flesh and her stupidity.
7. Once I Lose The Rest of My Weight, I’m Never Putting It Back On
Dieting is torture, especially after a year of eating like a person with a tapeworm. Having to count calories is too much counting and too much pressure. I love fractions, but figuring out the number of calories in 1/24th of a Snickers bar is too much trouble. I also don’t ever again want to strap a device on my arm that counts footsteps, either. Unless someone can invent a device that counts the calories burned by feeling irritated, frustrated, aggravated, annoyed and enraged, the little credit I get for walking isn’t worth it.
8. I Will Not Worry About How Many Followers I Have on Twitter or Likes I Have on Facebook
Without a doubt, I’ve been a grave disappointment to my Twitter followers and my Facebook fans. When they begin doing their annual year-end cleanup of followees my page is the first they’ll weed out. I’m the social media equivalent of rice cakes. When I do appear on these social media sites, it’s infrequent. My life is not a wellspring of entertainment and wit. None of the people who follow me will probably ever say, “Guess what I read on Jean’s Facebook today?” None of them will say, “You’ve got to follow Jean on Twitter. She’s better than Colbert.” But I’ve got to stop feeling like I owe these people a good time. They’ve got real friends and YouTube for that.
9. I Won’t Share Any of My Conspiracy Theories
No one has paid the slightest bit of attention to my “The Chinese are trying to kill us with their exports” theory, so I give up. Not one person got as enraged as I did when we found melamine in our pet food. This morning when I experienced the fiasco with the window shades? They were made in China. One of them worked fine; when I pulled the cords on the other one, the shades went up and down in a cattywampus fashion. The amount of frustration I suffered over that probably cost me a few years of quality living. Just Google “Things Made in China That Almost Killed Me” and maybe then you’ll believe me.
10. I’m Not Going to Volunteer to Help NASA Find Alien Life on the Moon
Don’t we pay taxes for NASA to do this? Now they want volunteers? What’s next? The Department of Energy asking for volunteers to find natural gas in their own back yards? The CDC asking for volunteers to send in samples of bacteria found on keyboards in the office so that we can ward off the next flu pandemic? People ought to be paid if they’re going to spend their valuable time peering at photographs searching for evidence of alien life. Besides, what’s in it for me? Will NASA name any of the aliens I discover after me? Will I get first dibs on the aliens’ story?
Artist, illustrator, writer and owner of two Boston Terriers. Living in Boise, Idaho at the base of the beautiful foothills. My art website is www.snoringdogstudio.com.
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